Friends,fans and stalkers, let's be honest.
There's no dearth of life-inspirational stuff on your Facebook home feeds or your Tumblrs, and for those of you that dig a little deeper, on the rest of the internet.
But for the most part, life sucks. It takes a helluva lotta compromise and nail chewing to strike that all-elusive balance between hyperventilation and ignorance, especially when you seem to not be going anywhere, from where you stand.
And then there are those times when you wish you had a fast forward button. Most mid-semester bits, pan out thus, for me. So you'd think, into my 10th semester in architecture school, I'd be fairly well equipped to deal with these... 'bleh phases' (as I fondly call them).
But here I am, as despondent and uninspired, demotivated and procrastination-prone as ever… on a vicious hunt for meaningful experiences.
My day? Submission-Class-Gym-Sitcoms with my sister-Work-Sleep-Submission-Class-Gym-Sitcoms with my sister-Sub… you get the picture.
Bleh. I was considering a bhang outing. Or running away. Seriously.
It was time to do something. ANYTHING. Soooo I embarked on a journey, charting many a time and place (I love this dramatic verbal shit I do), spanning many…ahem… possible solutions to my despondent state.
Possible Solution 1:I skyped with my best friend in France, trying to get him to inject some life into my dead veins.
Outcome: Perspective gained. I felt significantly lesser lost, cheery too. Love you, Kins.
Possible Solution 2:I tried whiskey, oh yes sir. A good 4 pegs to drown my bleh-ness, last friday. Sat with one of my oldest friends, pondering about life and its intricacies, with Angus and Julia Stone droning on in the back.
Outcome: Perspective gained. I felt like life wasn't a rut, really. That I love the people I love and the people that love me, love me regardless. Ah, whiskey. :)
Impossible but Bang-on Solution 3:Faaaaak! I cleaned my life!
Before you guys jump, it's hyper-important to know that parents are ALWAYS ALWAYS right. Even if it all sounds wrong when they say it to you. The Universe finds a way to make them the 'Heroes', no shit.
Here's what happened.
Ever since I bought my new laptop, Dad had been pestering me to format my 4- year old one for his office. On a dreary Saturday evening, I decided to just do it and get it done with.
But.. I couldn't find the charger. Not a great situation to be in. I searched hell and high water and turned up with nothing.
So began a slow process of emptying every drawer, every cupboard, every dresser of its contents. The last 5 years of my life lay unravelled and mixed up and piled on the floor. What an eyesore. I eventually found the wretched charger, which wasn't even in my room in the first place.
But fact of the matter is, the last 5 years were.
My bed contained drawers piled high with submissions I didn't have the heart to throw, interspersed with tidbits from my personal life, I'd forgotten, on purpose, perhaps.
I was sleeping on the past.
As I went about my business of sorting, my mind was on a parallel plane of time-travel.
The first to go were the scrap models, and the sheets I'd laboured on. Oh how my tummy knotted. Semester-by-semester, I threw it all away, into the recycling bin. I'd kept them thinking, they need to be kept, I worked so hard on them. But the truth is, today, tomorrow or 30 years later, their utility will still be scrap. Bummer, life.
Next, I cleaned up my dresser- the makeup and the jewellery.. giving the ones I'm too old to sport, to the maid and her kids. Earring after earring, necklace after necklace, handbags too, from my teen years; I packed them into little boxes and passed them on to her. The delight on her face can't be captured in words, but it totally made up for the knotting tummy.
The half-used stationery, bought solely in excitement at the prospect of buying new stationery, was given to the servants' children, who mouthed wide eyed 'thank yous' of awe. How little it all meant to me eventually, and, how much it means to them! I felt good.
I tore off used pages from at least 14 drawing books and gave the bound clean pages to the drivers' and utensil cleaners' kids. Found some old library books I'm sure I'll have to pay a bomb of a fine on. The miscellaneous things- a pair of drumsticks, mountaineering Captain's gloves, school flag. It brought years and emotions rushing back.
It was fascinating.
Slowly… the mess thinned, the drawers emptied, and then I came to the most gratifying part of the exercise. Also, perhaps, the most fraught with risk.
Diaries. Collages. Old relationship- keepsakes. Things I didn't have the time to make a decision about, when these decisions get made. They were just hurriedly pushed to the back of a dresser, and consequently my memory.
I sat and read. For a long time. I used to be this person. I used to think like this. I had these feelings. I was this brave. I was this vulnerable. I was this resilient.
I looked back and all the dots connected. I wasn't stagnant, I wasn't even stagnating when I thought I was. I was growing and growing and each day and each feeling was of consequence… It made me who I am.
These things were to be treasured. A lot has changed.
And then I tossed them. The diaries, the keepsakes, everything.
This too shall pass.
I felt so peaceful. So new. Fresh.
It's time to make space for some new diaries, some new keepsakes, and as they mount, which I think/hope they will, to make space in my heart and mind and environment for the next stage, whatever it may bring.
I'm going to graduate, bitches. I'm at the cusp, yes. Excited, and in love.
Out with the old.
P.s. The parents DO get it right. Go clean your room!!
xo
