Funnily enough my title sounds like real fun, but honestly? This stuff is heavy-duty, people.
Before you go all judgmental on me, let me tell you one thing. I am one of those marvelous cases one would hear about now and then, who being a girl has only guy friends. Well not all, but yes, peg the figure at 95% and then it’s almost entirely true.
I have no clue why. None whatsoever. And I’m straight and hale and hearty, so that should put an end to all your speculation. :P
Truth be told, perhaps I am scared. There was this one ‘girl’ best-friend I had, and obviously I won’t name her, but well, there was a time when she was my only real friend.
It all started sometime in school, when children are seeking security in the number of friends they have (now don’t be silly and tell me you didn’t). I kind-of knew her to be the girl with the fiery temper in class. As a pre-teen fraught with an identity crisis, to me, she really was the perfect image of a sort of demigoddess. People seldom spoke to her, whether it was out of fear, of simply non-familiarity, I cannot say.
But I, I loved the way she exuded this super-confidence in whatever she did. She excelled in academics, she had the best nails and of course, I loved the way she could scream frozen stalactites down when a boy happened to pull off her rubberband.
Slowly, I started getting to know her better. I sat with her in class, we often chatted on the phone and shared notes. She was somebody I derived a lot of security from. A LOT. One could say she sort of, took me under her wing.
As we both matured, I used this solid base of our friendship to build upon my character. I grew confident. Things were awesome. There was only this one matter. As a distraught pre-teen, she had inspired me to grow confident. As a confident teen, the same thing about her that inspired me, started stifling me. The littlest things would tick her off. And she pulled me into her safety circle and treated me like her pet; dominated, scolded, and loved at the same time.
And then I realized, a tad too late, that she derived HER security from screaming. Funny as this may sound, the rest of the class grew more amicable towards her, because of course, the negativity reserves were emptied on me in private. I mean no disrespect for her, she is a gem of a person. And everyone has their own defence mechanism. This was hers.
I felt like an isolated trapped kitten smothered by her master.
This went on until a sort of miracle happened.
Classes were getting shuffled again. I was introduced into a friend circle where this sense of liberty and openness was a sort of binding factor. And as many of you forged your best friendships, I forged mine.
I flowered, bloomed, spread my wings, and enjoyed school life to the hilt.
Even after leaving school, being in different cities, countries, and continents all together, I can tell you, these friends are as close to me as my next thought. It doesn’t matter how busy we are with our individual lives, it doesn’t matter what the last time we spoke to each other was, because every time we do, it’s like nothing changed.
I know I live with the ghosts of those conversations, long dead, with these guys, in the halls, in the staircases, in those alcoves in the senior block of high school. Those times spent, sharing an earphone of one of our ipods, while staring intently at the blackboard, feigning interest in class proceedings. And part of me wants to go back and perhaps linger on, a little longer, to enjoy it some more.
As for the girl with the fiery temper, I behaved like the worst friend. The worst. After the shuffling of classes, conversation happened between us but once: When I asked her how things were after the second day in our new class.
Then I turned around and went back to the new class. And what I experienced, was bliss. Freedom. And as all humans do, I made a choice.
I chose happiness.
To my first closest friend, wherever she is today:
I’m sorry for acting like I did, A.
I am. But I know you made newer and better friends too. I saw you. You were happy. And that’s when I was truly happy, seeing you down the hall talking and laughing with them. I knew I had gotten away without hurting you the way I was scared I had.
You’re an absolute gem for being the bigger person. I wish you all the luck in life, A. You made middle school a breeze, and helped me through one of the most tumultuous phases of school life. <3 <3
This is a genuine, heartfelt acknowledgement of what you did without realizing.